Selling One’s Soul

Sometimes I feel like working is an act of selling one’s soul in order to gain position, money, material things and perhaps power and fame. I am putting power and fame as the least importance because not many people work for fame and power. Sometimes it just come along with the position whether someone like it or not. However, people do have dreams and sometimes big dreams. They want big cars, big houses, a lot of money, a lot of stuff. It doesn’t actually feel like wrong because whats wrong with owning stuff that you earn with your own effort, right? No. There is nothing wrong with that. Unless it empties your soul and takes you away from the real meaning of life.

For me, this thing happened. While  I was actively working I realized I numbed myself to so many things and learned to detach emotionally from so many things as well. By the end of the (working) day I always feel emotionally drained and exhausted. So what I did next to replenish my energy/my empty soul was to indulge myself in so many pursuits of pleasure such as buying things to make me happy albeit it being only a temporary fix. That was the daily cycle and the daily struggle.

I don’t hate working. I believe I can give myself totally into something that I believed in. I believe  there are such things called meaningful struggles and that people need struggle in order to grow and to build a good character.

But I also believe there is more to life than just (selling your soul) and just hatefully turning up to work. I believe people are meant to live life abundantly not in acquiring much but in learning the beauty of life lived slowly and in knowing what matter most in life. C.S Lewis once said, you don’t have a soul. You ARE a soul. You HAVE a body. So i believe what need to be fed most is the soul. What need to be taken care most is the soul.

But in feeding the soul, some people go to great lengths in pursuits for pleasure which is often than not, either makes people yearn for more or it leaves them even more emptier than before.

I did many things myself in pursuits of pleasure until there came a time in my life when I simply stopped to buy things or do things that used to give me happiness. Then I started to question myself about “What’s next?”. Because I could no longer see myself being happy hoarding more stuff and doing many things like more hiking, more running, etc..It almost felt like life itself had come to a halt.

I slowly turned away from all the things that used to give me happiness that of course come about as a way of curing myself from unhappiness in my routine job. Then, I realized this one thing. I realized, life turns out to be more meaningful when I don’t have to please my fleshly desire  and I don’t have to work with people that I don’t like. (Clue* – to choose whom you associate yourself with). I become more private, cultivating my own circle. There is a quote that says, you can be open, honest and real while still understanding not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life.

I no longer feel the pressure of being accepted by other people generally (in terms of position, likability, anything to do with social acceptance). Yes it is bad to be hated, judged and simply unaccepted because it is true people greatest need is acceptance and greatest fear is rejection. But, normally people who really cares for you will always accept you for who you really are and that always start with how much you care for them too.

And so what I am trying to say is with all the realization that I have right now about stuff, soul and life, I find it easier to let go of everything. I learned to trust God more and to believe that He will provide. That I don’t have to hold on to so many preconceived ideas of how life should be lived. That more than anything, it is more important to trust Him and to give up all of my dreams and to follow His lead. With all of my heart.

I guess this is how the new chapter of my life begins..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Angel Who Cant Stop Bothering Me

Recently I wrote (but never posted) about a girl that I met years ago whose presence made me shrunk a little bit inside whenever she came close to me because of her very angelic smile, personality and persona. I don’t know why I remembered her in that moment or from time to time. Except that perhaps everything of her reminds me of everything that I am not, and that when ever I think of her, thoughts like starting over my life comes to mind. I feel like if only I could become like her, I could have loved myself more or maybe those people that left me perhaps could have stayed. Such is the thing that I thought of.

As I was writing that article, I kind of lost track on what direction I wanted it to go as in should  I keep on thinking about her? But It wasn’t intentional. She just sprung up in my head randomly without warning. Hence, it wasn’t a choice. The other option was to go into the direction of self acceptance and to not compare myself with other people or be deterred by the past. Somehow it appears to be the most right direction and conclusion but.. not my truth. Truthfully, the past bother me a lot, still bother me a lot. Why? Because I have regrets and I thought that the past has got a lot to do with my present choice and even perhaps my future. That’s probably why that “angel” keeps appearing in my mind like a constant reminder of how one can be a perfect angel and that someone CAN be a perfect angel. (so why can’t I)

Today I decided to rewrite the whole article and post it here today. But I won’t go into either both direction I mentioned above. I am just going to write what is in my heart right now and that is, I don’t mind her keep coming back in my head, hovering like  a ghost. Its okay even if its a little bit embarrassing to admit. I’ll take it as a reminder to not ruin myself more than I already have in the past. Just that. Will that be okay? For now yes.

My redemption for that is I am going to make my future self very proud of the me now. One day, I want to see that “angel” again and when I do, I’ll never let the me inside shrink or feel small beside her again. I will love myself so much so with all of my heart that I will shine so brightly and smile back at her proudly (not shrinking inside) when I see her again.

Thank you “angel” and cheers to self!!

By Myself

I have been spending alot of time by myself lately and although I get anxious from time to time what with the research not going anywhere just yet (at least to my expectation), I am actually quite happy having been able to choose what I wanted to do in a given day.

In the beginning and even every now and then, I found myself worrying about the person I have become lately.  I am at ease, calm, so free I can sleep the whole day if only the nature allow it to be so, and yet so scared of time running out so fast in a day because I am busy doing nothing, and plenty of it. Well, I always believe in hard work and when I am too leisurely doing nothing, I try to remind myself over and over again that only hard work can bring good result to everything that I aimed to get in life. However, none of those self persuasion worked.

Then I started thinking that a long time ago when I was a child, I learned to swim but I never thought about it as something I have to work at. I simply did it as a way of playing like most children do. And I succeeded learning it without consciously thinking that I am working hard on it. It was just for fun.

If I were to relate it again over my long years of schooling especially in primary and secondary schools, I never felt pressured to learn. I did it because I just love learning and love everything about those subjects being taught in school. In short, I enjoyed every moment of it and thus I managed to finish primary and secondary schools with excellent grade just because I was having fun. And yet, I never taught I struggled or had to work hard. It just happened because I love spending every moment learning about something new.

I don’t know when I started to think that hard work is everything  or when I forget the whole thing about having fun. Maybe it started when I was in grad school. I really don’t remember having fun while I was in varsity. Everything was emotionally draining and I’d like to think that I was mildly depressed and I was in a blur for not being able to enjoy what I was doing. It did pass in my mind, what if I quit and took on a different field that could perhaps make me enjoyed every moment of my varsity years. But I guess it wasn’t an option then and even now, it feels like the most reasonable thing for me to do is to accept the reality that I am living in and try to move forward, try to enjoy and to seek every way that is possible to make my chosen career, field of study as interesting as possible and to never thought about running away from it – because God knows, I nurture that running away dreams sometimes.

Back to spending my alone time, I finally have ample time to think over a lot of matters. There were things that I constantly do these days that although its really not a big thing but immeasurably makes me happy. Things like washing up my clothes, cleaning the toilet, arranging my clothes, sweeping the floor of my room, reading a book for as long as I can, watching a good dorama or K-drama, spending time talking to my husband, cooking, chatting with good friends, visiting my parents, playing with the children, going for a walk or a jog at the park and doing what little I can do for my research project.

I realized just how some things no longer apply to my happiness and how I don’t think I will miss it ever even if I no longer have it or no longer have to do it. I realized too that just being able to wake up in the morning with a good positive thoughts throughout the day, thinking only about being happy is everything that make up my world these days. With that, I am happy even when I am by myself. 🙂

That White Thread.

My grandmother passed away in 2004, not long after I graduated. It was an honour to have been able to care for her during her final days before she finally took her last breath. I remembered the night after my late grandmother was buried, the still devastated me went into her bedroom and checked out her clothes which were nicely wrapped on the side of her bed. I took one of her favourite black shirt and carefully examined it. I noticed one part of the seem was torn and she mended it with a very visible white thread. It brought tears to my eyes.

Growing up my parents used to fight a lot. Therefore I used to go to my grandmother house and just sit by her side listening to her rambles (which I had listened to for a hundred times already). She was a very cheerful character. However as she aged, she also gradually loss her hearing ability to one stage where she could no longer hear at all, and she refused to use or wear hearing aid. She was practically deaf in her old age. But, she never ceased to be cheerful, calm, peaceful and loving. Sitting by her side whenever I was facing a hard time, always cheered me up for no other reason than because she was a happy person who radiated love and happiness despite being deaf. I love her.

That night as I saw that white thread and remembered all the things about her and how her very presence gave me comfort without actually doing anything at all, I broke down and I cried for the last time.She was the white thread, shining glow in my often black dark days.

She taught me a lot but most of all she reminded me that being a loving, cheerful, and happy person you can do a lot to other people. You don’t need to do much. Just give off that sincere, earnest feeling of being happy whatever state you are in.

RIP grandmother. I miss you.

Three Times

I am overly sensitive these days. For example I cried three times for different reasons;-

  1. I cried tearfully because I was so moved by my mother’s prayer.
  2. I cried joyfully while listening to a song, because Josh Groban’s voice was so beautiful in it.
  3. I cried because I was overwhelmed by emotion and by feeling of…repentance.., while reading Robert A Schuller book entitled Leaning Into God When Life is Pushing You Away.

A while ago I cried while watching a K-Movie, entitled My Little Hero. But that was not the first time. Heartwarming story always make me cry.

I think my eyes have started to stock plenty of tears reservoir because I have not found my self lacking of tears these days, thankfully for the good things. 

I hope it continues to be so. I want to cry for the right thing. Not because my life is pitiful because I know I am strong enough to weather any storms with God helps. But because I have finally open up my heart to all the beautiful things in this life that I can easily be moved and be touched by the beauty of it.

Life is beautiful.

Happy New Year!!!

About Reading..

Holiday is coming..because of the Hari Raya Celebration and I am planning to feast on books to kill time. Huhu. Well, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have anything else to do. It just that, I have not engrossed in reading for such a long long time. Yes…very long indeed. It must be the choice of books that made my reading quite..a burden. Thank God today I happened to pick one of the most fascinating books I have ever chanced upon. Its a book by Sophie Kinsella entitled Confessions of a Shopaholic. Okay..I know, it sounds familiar and I have actually watched the movie and liked it, the reason why I decided to check on the book version ..finally after hesitating a million times. Thank God (again). Because this book invigorated my passion to write..again.

I am thinking of reading all the books that I liked that has been adapted to movie. For now, I have already bought The life of Pi, Confessions of a Shopaholic and I don’t know how she does it. All are quite an easy reading and in fact I have just finished reading Life of Pi yesterday..which actually what inspired me to buy more novels which have been adapted to movie, just so I can drink on the literary side of it. Kindda. To be honest, I actually picked 4 books in the bookstore, but ended up just buying two. I was thinking, I shouldn’t be too greedy just because, my intellectual mind is hungry for “words” and wisdom and..leisurely feeling one can only get from reading. Of course, I can always come back to the book store and buy what I have left behind. Right??..Yes..Of course (Not sure when that would be)

I admit, I’m lacking a little bit in the reading department this year. Reason being, I exhausted myself last year with a whooping 54 books  to meet my own personal target. It was fun, but I don’t think I want to set that kind of goal anymore..because I don’t want to end up hating the row of books I keep seeing every time I visit the book store. Its much more fun, visiting once in a while. It feels like everything is new and I will be so excited to get my hands on like..”anything” I set my eyes upon. Huhu..

So back to reading..I am excited that I am having something that I really like to read..To tell you the truth, the real reason that I am back to reading is because, right now I am so into this Goddess Of Fire drama that I am checking the net every seconds to get an update..and I don’t think its normal…and to remedy my situation, I turn to my suppose to be number one hobby which is reading to keep me calm until the next monday & tuesday when the drama is airing. I’d say the drama isn’t that quality wise good..it just that, I like it and when I like something, I can quickly become sucked into it and obsessing it and the next thing I know..”I need to get a life”. LOL.

But reading is good. Reading makes me feel I am smarter than usual and..of course it helps me to organize my thoughts which then can be transformed into written words..like what I am doing right now.

Well..I am going to continue my reading now..( after I check on GOF on the net..kekekek)

Happy holiday & take care all!!

Appreciating Food

I spend most of the time…eating alone, so I started from…neglecting my meals, to eating simple meals and now..leveling up to appreciating food by trying to be a little bit more creative with my food preparation and presentation. (A beginner, I am)

What I think about food? I think, I don’t like dramas that portray busy people have no time to eat proper meal so they have no choice but to eat Ramen. But then again…I had enough of Ramen when I was…once upon a time a student. I also think, the very basic thing everyone should enjoy in life is..eating..so, it is only right to learn preparing food that makes you happy and full. Don’t forget that it has to be nutritious.

I came to realize that…preparing food can be a lot of fun. It sparks creativity and let you immerse in another world. Its a freedom to be able to create what interest you. But of course…I am not a chef and I am clumsy in the kitchen. I just recently thought that..I think preparing healthy food & presenting it nicely is..fun..and it makes me happy. ^____^

By the way..my favourite show is Iron Chef.