By Myself

I have been spending alot of time by myself lately and although I get anxious from time to time what with the research not going anywhere just yet (at least to my expectation), I am actually quite happy having been able to choose what I wanted to do in a given day.

In the beginning and even every now and then, I found myself worrying about the person I have become lately.  I am at ease, calm, so free I can sleep the whole day if only the nature allow it to be so, and yet so scared of time running out so fast in a day because I am busy doing nothing, and plenty of it. Well, I always believe in hard work and when I am too leisurely doing nothing, I try to remind myself over and over again that only hard work can bring good result to everything that I aimed to get in life. However, none of those self persuasion worked.

Then I started thinking that a long time ago when I was a child, I learned to swim but I never thought about it as something I have to work at. I simply did it as a way of playing like most children do. And I succeeded learning it without consciously thinking that I am working hard on it. It was just for fun.

If I were to relate it again over my long years of schooling especially in primary and secondary schools, I never felt pressured to learn. I did it because I just love learning and love everything about those subjects being taught in school. In short, I enjoyed every moment of it and thus I managed to finish primary and secondary schools with excellent grade just because I was having fun. And yet, I never taught I struggled or had to work hard. It just happened because I love spending every moment learning about something new.

I don’t know when I started to think that hard work is everything  or when I forget the whole thing about having fun. Maybe it started when I was in grad school. I really don’t remember having fun while I was in varsity. Everything was emotionally draining and I’d like to think that I was mildly depressed and I was in a blur for not being able to enjoy what I was doing. It did pass in my mind, what if I quit and took on a different field that could perhaps make me enjoyed every moment of my varsity years. But I guess it wasn’t an option then and even now, it feels like the most reasonable thing for me to do is to accept the reality that I am living in and try to move forward, try to enjoy and to seek every way that is possible to make my chosen career, field of study as interesting as possible and to never thought about running away from it – because God knows, I nurture that running away dreams sometimes.

Back to spending my alone time, I finally have ample time to think over a lot of matters. There were things that I constantly do these days that although its really not a big thing but immeasurably makes me happy. Things like washing up my clothes, cleaning the toilet, arranging my clothes, sweeping the floor of my room, reading a book for as long as I can, watching a good dorama or K-drama, spending time talking to my husband, cooking, chatting with good friends, visiting my parents, playing with the children, going for a walk or a jog at the park and doing what little I can do for my research project.

I realized just how some things no longer apply to my happiness and how I don’t think I will miss it ever even if I no longer have it or no longer have to do it. I realized too that just being able to wake up in the morning with a good positive thoughts throughout the day, thinking only about being happy is everything that make up my world these days. With that, I am happy even when I am by myself. 🙂