Recently I wrote (
but never posted) about a girl that I met years ago whose presence made me shrunk a little bit inside whenever she came close to me because of her very angelic smile, personality and persona. I don’t know why I remembered her in that moment or from time to time. Except that perhaps everything of her reminds me of everything that I am not, and that when ever I think of her, thoughts like starting over my life comes to mind. I feel like if only I could become like her, I could have loved myself more or maybe those people that left me perhaps could have stayed. Such is the thing that I thought of.
As I was writing that article, I kind of lost track on what direction I wanted it to go as in should I keep on thinking about her? But It wasn’t intentional. She just sprung up in my head randomly without warning. Hence, it wasn’t a choice. The other option was to go into the direction of self acceptance and to not compare myself with other people or be deterred by the past. Somehow it appears to be the most right direction and conclusion but.. not my truth. Truthfully, the past bother me a lot, still bother me a lot. Why? Because I have regrets and I thought that the past has got a lot to do with my present choice and even perhaps my future. That’s probably why that “angel” keeps appearing in my mind like a constant reminder of how one can be a perfect angel and that someone CAN be a perfect angel. (
so why can’t I)
Today I decided to rewrite the whole article and post it here today. But I won’t go into either both direction I mentioned above. I am just going to write what is in my heart right now and that is, I don’t mind her keep coming back in my head, hovering like a ghost. Its okay even if its a little bit embarrassing to admit. I’ll take it as a reminder to not ruin myself more than I already have in the past. Just that. Will that be okay? For now yes.
My redemption for that is I am going to make my future self very proud of the me now. One day, I want to see that “angel” again and when I do, I’ll never let the me inside shrink or feel small beside her again. I will love myself so much so with all of my heart that I will shine so brightly and smile back at her proudly (
not shrinking inside) when I see her again.
Thank you “angel” and cheers to self!!